Senior Real Estate Specialist (SRES)
Lyssa Phillips, RN, Real Estate Agent, and Registered Nurse
Do you have concerns about a senior family member who may need your help?
This is an extremely difficult time for both parents and children of aging parents.
There are a lot of changing roles (i.e. children are now taking care of parents) when, for years, it was the opposite.
It can be challenging to communicate with a loved one about moving.
What are the signs to look for in your parents or elders to start that conversation?
While the signs are not the same for everyone, changes to keep in mind and to watch for include:
Bruising
Older skin bruises more easily and they may not be telling you that they are experiencing falls, bumping into things, or have become increasingly unsteady. A medical checkup and a cane or walker may be in order.
Food Crisis
An unexplained weight loss that isn’t the result of a health issue may be an issue with food accessibility. Check the refrigerator and cabinets. Unkempt food storage areas with ruined food, or a noticeable lack of food, may flag trouble in self-care. Parents may be unable to clean or shop like they once did. Getting help with household chores, shopping, or meal preparation may be in order to be sure that healthy, fresh food is available while extending their ability to safely age at home.
Unpaid Bills
You may discover piles of unpaid bills, cutoff notices, or even canceled services. Ensuring that vital services are uninterrupted is essential since even a short loss of utilities can have an immediate and life-threatening result for older individuals. Helping them set up automatic bill payments, assisting them with bill paying once a month, or hiring a bill-paying service will eliminate this concern.
Odor
If the house has an unpleasant odor, it could be the result of rotting food, the inability to clean and dispose of trash, difficulty with hygiene, or health issues that have gone undiagnosed (like a urinary tract infection). Track down the cause of the odor to determine what steps need to be taken to keep things safe at home.
Home in Disarray
Everyone’s house is messy from time to time. However, as it becomes more difficult to move around and do regular household chores, these messes may become bigger. They should never progress to the point of creating health or safety issues. Consider hiring a cleaning service or an organization expert before things become too overwhelming. Let your parents know that you don’t want to intrude, but you are genuinely concerned for their health and safety and want to help them find solutions that help them stay in their home longer and remain safe.
Beginning the Conversation
What if I’m not sure if this is the right time for my parent to downsize or move?
This is a common question and that’s why you’re working with someone like me to help you through these types of situations and make sure everyone is feeling heard, supported, and loved.
The hardest part is sometimes beginning the conversation. You can’t finish what you never start.
My first tip is to start by using open-ended questions. It is important to allow your loved ones to make their own decision, knowing full well that you already think a move is imminent. It is important to guide the conversation in order to allow healthy decision-making on their part.
Questions to Help You Get Started
The following are some questions you can use to start the conversation:
Have you thought about where you’d like to be in 5 years?
What are your goals for the next chapter of your life?
Is this house becoming a burden to you?
Do you ever think about downsizing to something more manageable?
Are there times you feel lonely here at home?
Would you like to have more company?
Do you notice any decline in your ability to live here at home?
Do you have any concerns about cooking, cleaning, and doing maintenance?
I worry about not knowing what your wishes are.
Would you talk to me about what you want in case there is an emergency and you can’t make a decision on your own?
Putting yourself in their shoes is important - there can be many frustrations as your body ages and most result in the inevitable loss of independence or control. This can be scary.
What NOT To Do
Stay in your lane. It is important to remember that you are the child in this relationship and NOT the parent. Therefore, it’s imperative to remember that parents typically like to remain in the driver’s seat.
Avoiding some of the following comments and finding creative ways to address concerns will likely keep lines of communication open and free of controversy.
“You keep repeating yourself!”
The repetition and forgetfulness can be exasperating but by expressing frustration, your loved one hears that you don’t care about what he or she has to say. Try asking questions that change the direction of the story or that prompt a different thought.
“It is not safe for you to drive anymore!”
Too often, we think that because our loved one is aging, they no longer have the reaction response they once did. Giving up the keys typically feels like they are losing all independence. Don’t be the one to take the keys away. Enlist the help of a professional.
“You shouldn’t live on your own anymore. You can’t take care of the house!”
While this is likely coming from a place of love and concern for your loved one’s safety, he/she feels like the end is near. If you are concerned, have a conversation about what is working well first. Then, ask if there is anything that they are missing. Oftentimes, they will tell you that it is getting harder and you can empower them to “rightsize” and enjoy the parts of life they gave up, to take care of the house.
“It is warm outside! You don’t need a jacket today.”
The way individuals feel temperature varies greatly, regardless of aging. Furthermore, it is important to understand that the ability to regulate body temperature changes as we age. Instead of telling someone what the temperature is or what they should wear, encourage wearing layers every day should the temperature change. The way individuals feel temperature varies greatly, regardless of aging.
“Stop yelling! You are talking so loud.”
Hearing loss can be common with an aging body. Try sitting and talking to them on their good side or facing them while speaking. If you speak loudly, they will speak loudly.
The repetition and forgetfulness can be exasperating but by expressing frustration, your loved one hears that you don’t care about what he or she has to say. Try asking questions that change the direction of the story or that prompt a different thought.
Download your own copy of these tips and tricks to use as reference when beginning this conversation with your loved ones.
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What My Clients Are Saying…
“★★★★★ - Lyssa did a fantastic job in marketing, preparing and selling the house. Within 24 hours of our first meeting, she had prepared a comparable market analysis of the homes similar to ours, with pictures, parameters and suggested selling price.
Throughout the process she communicated with our family frequently. Clearly with a great understanding of the actions taking place, there were no wasted communications on our time.
She did such a great job with marketing, we had our initial open house that same week and received 5 offers at or above asking price. The house was only on the market for one day and was sold well above asking price.
I would love to work with her again and highly recommend her and the industry professionals she works with to any one wishing to sell or buy a home.”
- Tom, Estate Sale
